When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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Everything reminds me of my ex
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.