When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
You Might Also Like
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”