When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
umm…
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.