Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Dogs lick you because they love you.

Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

lol

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.