Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.