When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…