Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.