Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off