Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back