Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

estão todos miauvindo?

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

what’s really going on

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.