Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.