My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
You Might Also Like
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?