When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?

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ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!


“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.


Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.


I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.


[Job Interview]

*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*

*fixes tie*

*checks breath*



Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!


9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again


Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…


Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.


How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me