@mrtruthandsoul

When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?

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@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

@causticbob

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@BakedBrotatoes

[Job Interview]

*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*

*fixes tie*

*checks breath*

IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

@ThisOneSayz

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

@iwearaonesie

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

@MiddleageM

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

@thepunningman

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

@brittwastaken

How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me