when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes