when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive