When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Good morning
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”