When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
This headline is a thing of beauty
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
