When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Software Development ⛵️
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
