Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour