When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen