Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Very problematic
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.