When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.