When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
no way 😭
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket