when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
finally
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Drive like no one is watching.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
