when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
