when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
The Book. The Movie.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”