When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Priorities