When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
You Might Also Like
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…