When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning