Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation