When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Pringles
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course