When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72