When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I bet birds love this building.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?