When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You Might Also Like
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket