@not_delicate

When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again

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@charliedelta7

I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.

@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

@jsaffle1

Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me

@WheelTod

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

@dorsalstream

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@ericsshadow

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

@Browtweaten

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long