When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again

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I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.


Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”


judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor


Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me


[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist


Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.


If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.


The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.


Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.


Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long