When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again

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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.


[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*


I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.


[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.


Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes


I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece


yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.