When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
welp
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed