When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.