When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
10/10 no notes
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
hmmmmmm
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.