When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.