When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
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Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
🗽
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”