When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.