When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me too 😆
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?