When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
It was worth a shot 😂
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins