Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

me hooking up with my ex

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I fixed it. For me

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.