when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.