when dads have a rap battle
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
he was correct
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
my dad has had enough
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.