when dads have a rap battle
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Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My inexpensive home security system…
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook