Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.