Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

(by @ZachWeiner )

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”