Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Old old old old old west

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

sliding into dms like

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”