Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”