Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband