When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.