When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.