When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”