When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.