When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
You Might Also Like
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
scared to check what name she chose
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?