When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.