When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break