When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Cndnsd Mlk
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I self medicate, therefore you live.