When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
You Might Also Like
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
decorating my apartment
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.