When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.