When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”