When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals