Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.