When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.