When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
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This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
True?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”