When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered