Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Home is where your toilet is.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

What’s a Messi?

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”