When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy