When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter