Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Here to help

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.