Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

🐴

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

what could possibly go wrong?

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.