“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.