Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

*Seductively hides in the woods

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane